Miscalculation
by spockndkirk-xoxo4ever
Summary: Spock closed his eyes and sighed. He and Kirk weren't on good terms, and why should they be? Spock, no matter how heartbroken he was, knew that he was the one to ruin what they had. AU


**Hey guys! So this is my second story. While A Space Exploration was more just smutty fun, I tried for a bit more substance here :P Thanks again to Rebecca for the betaing :)**

* * *

><p>He jolted out of a nightmare he couldn't remember, and found himself in a cold sweat, lying on his back in his too-large, too-empty bed, staring at the ceiling. Groaning, he turned his head to the left and saw the bright, glowing red numbers on his alarm clock – 3:37am. Briefly, he wondered if this is what he was doomed to experience for the rest of his life – he had been waking up at similar times every night from the same nightmare that he could never remember, no matter how hard he tried, for the last 6 months. He brought a hand to his face, rubbing the sleep and the sweat out of his eyes. <em>Great,<em> he thought, _another morning waking up 2 hours too early._ Yawning, he sat up and dropped his feet to the cold floor. He stood up, and after giving himself a moment to sway on his feet, he shuffled off to the bathroom, nearly bumping his knee off his old dresser. He turned on the light, squinted at his momentary blindness, and then settled his eyes on his reflection in the mirror.

Simply put, he looked like shit. The bags under his eyes had become a permanent fixture, and his hair was always in disarray. The stubble he was sporting seemed to always be present, a light dusting existing even after he shaves. He was pale – even paler than the acceptable norm for a Vulcan – and it was blatantly obvious that the last 6 months were taking a toll on him. He briefly wondered if the last 6 months were also hard on – _No,_ he told himself, stopping the sudden flashbacks, _I will not think about it_. Giving his reflection one last glare, he trudged off to the shower, eager to get started on his day so that maybe, just maybe, he can forget.

* * *

><p>He marched into the infirmary during lunch, hoping that he'd be able to get some time alone without the stress of his job nagging him or having to look at – <em>No. Do not think about him.<em> However, as soon as he closed the door, someone behind him spoke, startling him.

"Well, hello there, Spock. Fancy seeing you here. Funny, I thought Vulcans never got sick."

No.

No.

Not him.

He had been avoiding him for a reason. He came here to make sure he didn't run into him. Hell, he changed fleets just to make sure he never saw him again. This couldn't be happening.

"What, are we too prudent to even say hello now? Shameful, I thought Vulcans were supposed to be polite."

Shocked, Spock slowly turned around and caught the gaze of the one person in the entire universe who made him feel so much, who showed him a world of emotions he never knew, and who tore his heart out and shredded it to pieces.

"Captain Kirk."

"Oh, so now we're on formal terms? Alright, _First Officer Spock_, what happened to your perfect health? Or, what, is your half-human side coming out now, conveniently late?"

Spock closed his eyes and sighed. He and Kirk weren't on good terms, and why should they be? Spock, no matter how heartbroken he was, knew that he was the one to ruin what they had. He thought, once upon a time, that it was for the best. He thoroughly considered and calculated what their future would result in, and told Kirk that the solution he came to was the best course of action for everyone, because he was always accurate in his actions and knew what was best for the both of them. But ever since that awful day, he wasn't so sure anymore.

"Incorrect, Captain Kirk, I was merely attempting to utilize this environment for a moment of solitude for the next twenty four minutes and thirteen seconds, but you are clearly occupying this room, so I shall allow you to return to your activities in privacy." He turned and grabbed the doorknob, when Kirk snorted behind him.

"Oh, of course you'd go running again, _First Officer Spock_," He spat, seething. "You could never stay with me, could you. Oh, but what's to expect? I'm nothing but a messy, weak, dumb human, aren't I, and you're just too superior for me."

Spock sighed, slumping his shoulders. He knew it was a sign of weakness, but his shoulders felt like they weighed too much. He never knew how to act around Kirk nowadays – before everything, life with Kirk was happy. It was warm, safe, loving, _easy_, and ever since they broke up, he felt like he was walking on glass around the shorter man. He hated it – hated what he had done to them, what he had forced them to become. But it was his fault, and he was going to put up with the consequences.

He straightened up and turned back around, making eye contact with Kirk. "I merely thought that you would prefer your privacy, but if it is in your better interest for me to stay, then I would not be opposed to the situation."

"Oh, OH, here we go now, back again with the whole 'it's in your best interest' crap. Because you know what's right for everybody, don't you? You're just the reincarnation of Yoda, aren't you? 'Know what's best for everyone, I do. Make decisions for everyone, I do'." Kirk looked thoroughly pissed off, glaring daggers at Spock.

Spock winced. He didn't want a confrontation. He really didn't. He knew what Kirk's angle was, trying to get a reaction out of him like he so easily was able to months ago. But Spock didn't want that. It was bad enough that he was miserable, he didn't want yet another fight with the man that changed his life.

"I am sorry, Captain Kirk. I did not wish to be presumptuous. I offer my apologies for any offence I did not foresee when I acted." Spock said, trying to pacify the situation.

Well, apparently that was the wrong thing to say.

"You offer your _apologies_ for any _offence_ you did not _foresee_? Why, what happened, Miss Cleo? Could it be that you made the wrong decision _again_? Foretold the mystical future wrongly _again_? Well, I am positively shocked!" Kirk spat out, sarcasm dripping in his usually smooth voice, and anger and hurt rolling off him in waves. "Whatever will we do now that ol' Spocky boy has been wrong?"

Spock just watched Kirk. Watched him seethe and glare and huff. Watched him panting and red-faced and shiny-eyed and _beautiful_ in his anger. His heart ached, a heart that once couldn't feel, and he felt like his life was over all over again, watching the one good thing he threw away.

He couldn't look away, and even though, all his life, he was bred to be proper and poised and emotionless, he apparently wasn't doing a good job, because when Kirk took a good look at his face, he grew even angrier.

"You are _not_ allowed to look at me like that! Do you hear me? Not after what you did to me. Not after what you did to _us_! You ruined us, Spock! You cho-_mmph!"_ Before he even knew what he was doing, Spock had grabbed Kirk's face and kissed him, hard and passionate and _desperate_.

Realising what he had done, Spock pulled back, blushing a sharp green while Kirk stared back at him, dazed and breathless and shocked. "I am sorry. I am terribly sorry, Captain Kirk, I was out of line and inappropriate and – "

"Oh, shut up for once, will you?" Kirk growled out before grabbing Spock back into a fierce, deep kiss. Both men groaned, feeling like dehydrated men stuck in a desert, who were just offered all the water in the world. Spock's heart beat a million miles a minute. It was too good to be true. He felt a shiver as Kirk licked at his lower lip, asking for permission. Spock immediately parted his lips, moaning as Kirk's tongue reclaimed his mouth, exploring every surface and sending sparks shooting down his spine.

"Do you have any idea how much I've missed you?" Kirk growled against his lips when they parted for air, him continuing his sweet assault across Spock's jaw and to that wonderful spot behind his pointed ears. "Do you have any idea how much I've missed being able to hold you, kiss you, make you come undone?" he continued as Spock moaned under his ministrations.

"I was wrong. I was so, so wrong. I never thought it would be so hard. I – _oh_," Spock gasped as Kirk licked his way to his collar bone. "I intended this to be beneficial for you. I thought that our relationship – oh, _Jim_ – was a distraction for you, and I did not want to hinder your judgement." He managed to get out while writhing underneath Kirk's touch. "You must know that I my infatuation and love for you never ceased."

By this confession, Kirk froze in the middle of marking Spock's neck. He backed away slowly, his eyes trained on the green bruise beginning to form. Shock was registered across his features, and when he slowly raised his blue eyes to meet Spock', he saw nothing but immense sincerity shining in his brown irises. He couldn't believe it. He was so sure that Spock had lost interest in him, but apparently he had just honestly thought that he was a distraction.

"You know, for someone who's half-Vulcan and apparently a genius, you really are rather dumb," Kirk said, laughing as his eyes misted over. Spock, after a moment of feeling insulted, realised the human had made a joke, and felt himself smile fondly at the man he used to love.

"And just so you know," Kirk continued, sauntering close again, grabbing Spock around the waist and pressing their foreheads together, "I never stopped loving you, either." And with that, Spock knew, that no matter how badly he had screwed up this time, or how badly he might screw up again, that he and Kirk would be just fine.

* * *

><p><strong>And there it is! Some angsty fluff. Or fluffy angst :P please review!<strong>


End file.
